16th March
Another long drive, this time to Whitney on Wye to see my friend Martin.
There was a new boxer puppy in the household, it sat on Martin’s lap, I could see the deterioration in his condition, his hope was the puppy would give him the strength and determination to carry on.
From recent experience the stress that a puppy can inflict is not really suitable for a person in his condition.
The air was filled with pain, I could feel it the moment I entered the house. The music that I was used to was not there, replaced with funeral Muzak.
He sat like a James Bond villain in one of the only chairs that he hasn’t destroyed in the fits of rage he often has. Constantly stroking the pup, his voice was monotone, his eyes small, he looked like he was falling asleep. I knew this was going to be a difficult day.
I am always confused what he is actually suffering from. One time it was bone cancer then blood cancer, now its brain atrophy. He has all the signs of a disease degenerative coupled with the lack of control of his temper when frustrated.
This was clear when he started to kick the bathroom cabinets when he could find something he wanted.
He repeatedly tells me how the NHS don’t want to treat him, he continues to say that he has been “blackballed” due to experimental treatment he had at the National Hospital in the sixties. I know a lot of dodgy things were done in the name of medical research, but I do not know if there is a connection. The question I asked was “ Why him, why has he been singled out ?”
It should be quite the opposite, certainly not bringing attention to it.
I am torn, I know he is dying, I can offer him empathy, but that is all.
My own brain is trying to process his story, I look for things that make sense, and god knows I try to take this approach with everything that is happening at the moment. Sometimes there are clues, but when it’s a one side argument it’s hard to be objective.
I left when the sun was fading, it had been a hard day, my questions were seen by him as attacks, I defended my position, I can’t agree just to appease him, but I wished him peace, he must live his life, manage his pain through the dark times, I hope that a little joy will come through the innocence of his new puppy.
I replayed the day as I drove back, we all play the cards we’re dealt, it’s just that Martin was dealt a shit hand.
Another Lifetime to go 