Another Lifetime to go

25th December 2019

Well the day was here, and after a hearty breakfast we set about opening our presents.

Kelli must have thought that I had let myself go, as she got me male grooming products.

My aroma now enters a room five minutes before I do. I had bought her a Free People Alpaca jumper, which was amazingly soft.

We started preparing for the family feast, peeling, cutting and chopping. I felt like an expert after watching the cooking shows, but Kelli wouldn’t let me use any sharp objects in case I did some damage.

We then went to the cemetery to lay some flowers on Dave’s grave. The place looked strangely different, and we had to check we had the correct one. It was a sad moment that was difficult for Kelli’s mum, who didn’t want to join us. If I had thought of it I would have added a wreath with two Bob Evans vouchers attached, he would have laughed at that.

Everybody then headed back to our place for the Christmas dinner.

I didn’t want it to be sad occasion, so I had been drinking beer all morning, so I was oiled up a bit.

It was tricky with three sets of meals being heated at the same time, but somehow we managed to get everything on the table at the same time. It was a varied collection of food covering all the different tastes. At times it was stressful for Kelli, but the spread she prepared was delicious, and I even went round for seconds.

It was only us drinking the wine, so we were both feeling the effects, and I was really firing on all cylinders by now.

First it was the handing out the presents.

Greer and her boyfriend Dylan had given us their present earlier. There was complete secrecy about what it was, meaning we had to hide in the bedroom whilst they brought it into the house.

The great reveal was a complete shock. In front of us was a 50 inch TV, we looked again in disbelief, this really caught us out.

As the presents continued to be distributed, Kelli had given each a themed basket full of small gifts, it was a great idea.

Once the place was filled with screwed up balls of paper, we prepared for the next part.

Once that was over, a play list that we had prepared earlier was fed through our music system. This was a collection of songs covering different eras and genres, it was meant to be the soundtrack to the evenings entertainment .

The idea was to find the song being played, on Shazam, and then sing along (badly) with the words. I did go a little overboard with the singing, but I wanted to see Kelli’s mum with a smile on her face, and to enjoy this brief celebration with a bit of madness.

I know I made a spectacle of myself and I’m sure that will be confirmed once I see all the bloody video that were taken.

We had a lot of fun, and I’m sure that won’t be forgotten for a long time.

24th December 2019

Finished the latest TV cabinet, and set it out to take pictures.

The flower order still hadn’t been delivered to the flower shop, so we didn’t have any firm time to get to Saugatuck. There were some things Kelli wanted to get for her mother which meant a trip to Aldi.

The message arrived at 11.00 that the roses had arrived, which gave us plenty of time to complete the shopping and the drive down.

We had nine bouquets to deliver down to the deepest part of Fennville.

We retraced our route alone the edge of Lake Michigan, which shone like a million diamonds in the afternoon sun. On the way down Kelli spotted ten deer running across the road and though someone’s garden. They are beautiful animals, it’s hard to think of anyone wanting to hunt them.

We drove on, dropping orders to some impressive houses. Then we turned off millionaires row on to the dirt tracks heading for the town of Fennville.

We were searching for a particular address in chainsaw massacre country. One track took us to a rather dodgy place deep in the woods. There was no house number, so we stopped the van and I got out to inquire if we had the right place.

I knew the moment I looked in through the front door that no flowers would ever be seen in a place like this. There was rubbish all over the floor, so I turned to signal Kelli to turn the van round, I wanted it to be facing the way out in case the toothless axe murderer came after me. Naturally Kelli didn’t understand my gesticulation, which made my movement more rapid. I had no intention for us to be murdered on Christmas Eve.

We managed to find the correct address and only had to contend with a handful of wild turkeys who were very grateful to have survived Thanksgiving.

Our last delivery was to a ramshackle collection of huts, alongside the garage were a row of crosses depicting a pet cemetery. As I climbed the steps to the front door there was a box of kittens on the porch. I never realised that they came that way, America has everything.

There were others wandering around the yard, so I guess the person loved cats. I opened the screen door and knocked on the glass of the front door. A small wrinkled lady shuffled opened the door. I was hit with the smell of a thousand cats. I quickly handed the bouquet to the lady who sniffed them deeply, I expect that was the sweetest aroma she had experienced in ages.

That ended our adventure, it was starting to get dark as we headed back to Saugatuck, the Christmas decorations were the only things lining the streets. I had forgotten that nothing stays open, not even the bars, what a sad place.

23rd December 2019

It was supposed to be a busy day for the flower shop, but a flower shop needs flowers, and that was the problem. We normally try to get to Saugatuck for 11.00am giving us four to five hours to find the delivery addresses.

But with the flower deliveries still not there, we when to Aldi to do our food shopping first.

We were surprised that there was anything left as it was so close to Christmas, normally the shelves would be stripped bare, and then others would come and take them as well.

We packed our purchases into the back of the truck and set off to Saugatuck.

We finally got there at 2.00pm but still nothing,

I walked to the coffee shop for my energy boost, then walked back, past the empty shops, closed for the winter.

There were a few deliveries that we could make in Holland so we loaded them on to our truck and headed back.

This was not as much fun as the rural ones, but the addresses are still difficult to find. There are often deliveries to the nursing homes, which brings some joy to an otherwise boring existence.

We learned later that the blooms had been sent to Memphis, another triumph for DHL.

22nd December 2019

Well the dogs survived the night, neither of them died or left any deposits in the house.

I put the shovel away, and scoured the garden for dog heaps, but still no”hard” evidence.

We had planned to meet with Chris, the guy who played guitar at our wedding, at Grandville.

Kelli was delighted, because there is a place called “Plato’s closet” which is one of her favourite resale store. At every opportunity, she searches her closet for things she can take there to sell. Carrier bags can be filled, but there is never any evidence that the closet is less full.

So she usually drops me off at a nearby Starbucks and goes off to do her thing.

However, the net result is that she brings back the same number of things that she took.

I have given up trying to understand.

I have to sit around like a homeless person, nursing a single cup of coffee, sometimes up to an hour, no one has yet come over to offer me a refill, or a blanket, yet.

We met Chris at The Olive Garden, an Italian themed restaurant. He had recently had a spinal procedure, but looked better than he had in ages. The place was packed especially for a Sunday evening, doesn’t anyone do home cooking anymore?

The waiter was extremely attentive, if I had a runny nose I’m sure he would have wiped it for me.

It was good catching up on things, and to learn, much to my innocent shock, that his girlfriend is pregnant again.

Their household is already four children, (three from her previous relationship) so he is well on the way to having his having his own backing band.

Just as we were leaving a lady of ample proportions fell off her chair, four staff members rushed to help, but they would have needed another two to hoist her back up.

That was the entertainment for the evening, I’m glad to report that the chair was unhurt, and was soon supporting another pair of buttocks for the rest of the night.

21st December 2019

Today was different, I accompanied Kelli on her flower delivery. I was the navigator responsible for entering the addresses into the sat nav.

This was a wonderful change because I was able to see a lot more of the area, and many of the cool houses hidden away, and off the beaten track. Of course they have to be found first. The sat nav coverage is limited to areas where people can string several words together, and not dribble, which leaves out many areas outside of Holland.

The stories of in-breeding in these areas have been greatly exaggerated, but so far I have not seen any examples, except the guy at the petrol station with a tail.

We had to deliver flowers to addresses with panoramic views over Lake Michigan. The sort of place where you could open the sliding glass doors and plunge to your death on the sand below.

When we returned home we found that the dogs had rummaged through some Christmas presents, ripped open one that contained prunes and chocolate chip bars. Kelli was concerned that it could kill them, as chocolate is like a poison to them. I volunteered to dig a hole before the ground got to hard, but that went down like a lead balloon, or a frozen dog whichever is appropriate.

We now have to wait until either they puke or shit themselves, which is a wonderful thought.

20th December 2019

I had a piece of pizza for my lunch that I devoured in about 30 seconds flat, this was left over from last night. I was still hungry, and went searching for something else to eat. At one point even the dog food looked appetising, but Kelli would smell the salmon on my breath straight away.

I was on my own working on a couple of cabinets whilst she was delivering flowers again.

I was painting and painting trying to get the perfect finish with no brush marks.

I was using up all of the remaining paint in the can, mentally stretching out the paint so that I didn’t run out before I had finished them.

Each of them had two coats, and I still wasn’t happy with them.

I decided to do the painting in the sun room, because it was warmer, and I could remember to let the dogs back in.

There have been a few times when I have got a little distracted, and suddenly remember when I see them wandering about the back garden looking sad. I then rush to let them back in, giving them two treats each so they wouldn’t split on me.

19th December 2019

I had been searching Marketplace for a record deck so that we could play vinyl records through our music system.

Kelli had purchased an old record player that had fidelity of music being played though an old sock five miles away.

I had found an old Sony transcription deck in Grand Haven that was similar to one I had in the eighties, so I thought it would be perfect.

The seller, Matt dropped it round to the house, as he worked in Holland, which was a good opportunity to try it out. He agreed that I could keep it overnight to put it through its paces.

Kelli had to work at the flower shop, so it left me time to set it up.

First thing I found was the amplifier did not have a “phono” input which would normally be used to connect a deck to the system.

All the other inputs had the wrong impedance, so I had to turn the volume up full to hear anything.

It had been difficult connecting everything because the lead was short, so I had to find a temporary surface to put it on, fortunately I had been working on a TV unit, so I employed that to do the job. Once I discovering the problem, I had to sit down as I was mentally exhausted. I had to think of a solutions to get round the problem, one option was buying a new amp, or finding a pre-amp that would do the job.

I opted for the pre-amp, so ordered something from Amazon, hoping that would work, nothing is ever straight forward here.

Kelli had gone Christmas shopping with Brenda, Matt’s wife, so he and I went up to Georgia’s house to do some woodworking stuff.

Matt gave me a drawing of a robin that he wanted me to cut out of wood. It was quite small, it would have been better if he had caught a real one and drawn round it, but I did what I could.

I found some thin pieces of cedar and transferred the image on to it.

I started up the scroll saw, and carefully cut it out keeping all my fingers attached.

Matt’s plan was to paint them and attaching them to Christmas presents, so he was pleased how they turned out.

18th December 2019

The highlight of the day was the arrival of new filters for our kitchen compost collector.

This has changed the way we dispose of our rubbish.

The wheelie bin hardly has anything for the dustmen to collect. There is a scrabble around to find rubbish to throw away. This could be an excellent opportunity to get rid of the televisions we have stored in the shed, if Kelli would let me.

The compost festers quietly in the corner of the garden, it’s one of the most visited places in the garden, apart from the dog bog.

I have been priming the panels of the TV cabinet. It takes ages, and the primer ( the best you can buy!) is so thin, it needs three coats to cover anything.

The POS cabinet has been primed and ready for the finish coat. There is so much filler in it the weight has nearly doubled.

I watched the impeachment proceedings on my iPad, this is such a controversial subject, I needed to educate myself.

Having worked with a number of Americans I was always struck by their ability to avoid admitting mistakes. Even with things that were obviously bad, and I pointed them out many times, they lumbered on until something broke.

They live in a world of collective responsibility where not one person is to blame.

Watching what was being broadcast was jaw-dropping, I have never seen so many dumb twats in one place, all following the thickest twat to have ever been voted president.

17th December 2019

We dragged both the furniture pieces into the living room to photograph. We have been using the same area as our backdrop, and we’ve had a lot of “likes” on our mural rather than our furniture.

I worked on a TV unit by dismantling it in order to paint it easier. The top was stripped of its finish, yet again my contribution has been sanding, getting covered in bloody sawdust.

I bet Charles Eames didn’t have to sand tops all day.

Kelli finally got her cheque for November sales, the total was higher than I had listed in my spreadsheet, enough for an extra bag of chips.

I miss English chips, these American “French fries” are pretty shitty. They are like eating sticks, covered in cheese or salt. There is nothing like sinking teeth into a proper chip. You feel like its part of the meal, especially the crinkle ones, there is the body of real potato, with a crunch to break the outer case. The ones over here just crunch and that’s it.

I will make some real chips (when I’ve finished all the sanding) and show America what the real thing is.

16th December 2019

I got into stripping the paint of the new dresser. Thank god for the heat gun, it was a bitch of a thing to to do. It took me many hours to get it somewhere handy to sand.

Just for a change I did some filling to the POS unit, talk about polishing a turd.

I cut up some timber that I took from Dave’s garage to make a new base for it, anything to improve the thing.

I had to spray up some knobs to the tall dresser that Kelli had finished.

In the evening we are continuing to watch all the British Bake-off shows, I am getting so used to short bread, flaky pastry and fondant whips that I now have urges to fondle everything that Kelli bakes, with a critical eye, looking at moistness and texture. It has such an effect on me that I am constantly hungry.

I often dream about being trapped inside a Cornish pasty and having to eat my way out, with a bit of luck I’ll have the same dream tonight.

To make the day start correctly, I had the best breakfast of savoury muffins and vegan banger, perfect.