11th April 2023
Another bad night, now a hat trick, and I don’t know what to do about it.
What keeps me awake is knowing that Kelli can’t settle, so it’s like a parent, listening out for a restless child.
Everything is on edge for the rest of the day, the stones silences, I try to keep things light, but it’s hard sometimes. I’m not sure if men are really cut out for this kind of situation, where a humorous response is met with a cutting remark.
There is not a good reply when someone says they want to die, apart from “I don’t want you to” how bloody obvious is that?
I escaped to Menards to purchase timber for the kitchen project, plus other essential stuff, bird seed and potting dirt, yes that time of year has come around again.
The weather was wonderful, which made up for the chilly atmosphere when I got back.
I tried to concentrate on cutting the wood for the kitchen doors, and getting the pieces primed.
By the evening I had enough, I had to get away, I needed breathing space, and the evening was still warm. I set off walking, I didn’t care where. That might have been the problem, there are places I know, but off the beaten track I was a stranger. I have only suffered from anxiety a couple of times in my life, this was the third. It was getting late, lights were switched off in the houses that I passed, people were going to bed, and I was walking the streets.
That is where mild panic took over, maybe driven by not having anything to drink. It was making me a tad light headed, and I was in a dodgy area.
Eventually I did find my way to the side of lake Macatowa, a place I recognised, the water was still, there was no sound, even by the docks. The stars were amazing, it was a calm time, unlike how I was feeling, one of foreboding.
Okay, I had my time away, I needed to get home. The pace I set was faster and more furious than I should have taken.
In the meantime Kelli decided to drive around to look for me.
As I got to the corner of our road, we both got there at the same time, I could barely speak.
I was still in a strange state of mind, and I hadn’t even smoked anything.
I needed to return to Earth, and several glasses of liquid later I was beginning to feel normal again.
My conclusion was that my frustration with Kelli’s condition drove me to exhaustion, and I had never quite felt like that, ever before, or my greatest fear, that I was starting to be an American. Please come for me now!
Another Lifetime to go 